I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
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“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.