There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
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my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!