Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
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[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.