[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
You Might Also Like
From Facebook just now…
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
*pronounces woah like Noah*
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
good morning
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.