I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
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Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow