When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
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“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Hero horse inspires millions
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I falcon love using swear birds
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up