Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
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What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
The pen is writier than the sword.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.