You Might Also Like
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
me
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Sooo many times…..
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.