An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
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They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Discuss