Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
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I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…