Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
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Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
i did the math
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
#oldknees
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like