Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
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Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
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Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.