After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
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Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
“Huge”.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.