Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
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Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.