If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
You Might Also Like
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.