I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
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The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
#inspiration #foodforthought
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.