[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
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[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
…..pretty much.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Copy Editor is a rewording career.