Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
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children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
yeah no that’s fair
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
[adds another nod to the conversation]
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW