Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
You Might Also Like
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
BRO LMFAO
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism