*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
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Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life