I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
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If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever