I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
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Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
thanks auntie mary
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter