Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
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Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Some people were born into their job.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude