If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
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I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
May never get over this
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?