if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
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To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
My typo game is string.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing