“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
You Might Also Like
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
you will never know the true number of layers
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
#CatsOnTwitter
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.