Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
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DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
She: I like Cats
He:
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy