“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
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Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
You better watch out
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.