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ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”