Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
You Might Also Like
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine