*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
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Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Kids: Stay in school.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.