*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
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Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
A woman drives into a bar.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them