The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
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I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House