BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
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hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire