[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
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WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently