[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
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Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.