Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
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Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.