Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
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Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah