My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
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[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
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Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.