[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
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“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
me: my friends:
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.