Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
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i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money