*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
You Might Also Like
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?