I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
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Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.