My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
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them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her