Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
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The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Livid.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
What about a To-Don’t List?