Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
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It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are