Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays