Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
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*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started