[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
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[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Acronyms got me like WTF?
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.