“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
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My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
British people be like I’m Bri ish
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Great acting.. 😂
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope